Losing V?

February is normally a pretty good month for us. Valentine’s day is my favorite holiday and because I forced J to marry me that day so that I would never again just get a bag of Cheeto’s for Valentine’s Day, it is also our anniversary. And my birthday is two days later, so I usually go for a three days stretch of good stuff. Leading up to Valentine’s Day we received a lot of friendly support from friends using the pun of V and exclaiming that Valentine’s Day should be V day! I agreed. But horrifically sadly, and in a tragic twist of fate, we received word that week that V’s referral had been invalidated and we were no longer guaranteed to be able to adopt her. It was the single worst day of my life. Bar none. In the same fashion that our wonderful celebratory phone call took place, we had been notified that despite our best efforts, due to the changes in Haitian law all matches and referrals would be proposed and extended by IBESR and that until further notice we were no longer referred and matched with V. Words just can’t even describe my feelings on this. I have been a shell of a person since hearing this. I’m trying to live in the present and participate in my life and enjoy my life and love my kids. But there is a deep cavern of emptiness that can only be filled by knowing – for certain – that she will be coming home. And I don’t know that. I spent at least the whole weekend crying. I could barely get out of bed. And after J and I had spent our anniversary doing an impromptu child search of the woods behind our house for a missing teenager, we decided that for my birthday we must absolutely go do something. But I was listless and just wanted to cry. So we went to the mall. We got Starbucks and we went shoe shopping for V. We bought her two pair of shoes that night; one pair of black and white patent leather, and a neon yellow pair. Because her skin is amazing and I want hi-lighter colors on her as much as possible. It’s truly a fantastic site.  I held those little shoes that night and just hoped and hoped and hoped that her little feet would be in them soon and she would be running to me with her arms wide open and a huge smile on her face with a squeak in her voice as she would say, “Momma!”. And then I cried myself to sleep in J’s arms. We have been dancing on eggshells since February. Every move. Every statement. Everything is carefully thought out as to ensure that we do absolutely nothing to lose the chance to get her back.

***Reeling in depression from losing V’s referral, one of the ways I tried to cope was by reaching out to Madame Duvivier Pierre-Louis. She is the former Prime Minister to Haiti. I met her on a plane from Port au Prince to Miami in September 2012. She had offered to look into our adoptions for us, and though I had not previously wanted to take advantage of her power or prowess, I decided that if there ever was an opportunity that it would be necessary to bring in the big guns, this was likely it. I sent her the following email, but sadly I never heard back from her:

Hello Madame Duvivier Pierre- Louis,

We met a few months ago on a flight from Haiti to Miami. I hope that you had a wonderful trip to Europe and that your conferences were a success. I also hope that you had some time to explore Spain and enjoy yourself a bit.

I wanted to update you on our adoption process and let you know that we have been granted adoption decrees for our two little boys. We were overjoyed to hear the news while visiting the boys in January. We were able to tell them in person. What an unbelievably wonderful day to have together. I can't tell you how happy we all were. We look forward to bringing them home soon!

Sadly, we have recently learned devastating news in the process of adopting our daughter. If you'll recall while we we spoke briefly on the plane, our daughter Veronika has been quite ill and we've almost lost her to severe breathing complications, pneumonia and aggravated bronchitis twice. We were blissfully happy to receive her referral after extensive efforts on our part to expedite our dossier to facilitate her submission to IBESR by the closure deadline in October. We have been waiting to enter IBESR since then. Unfortunately our director was unable to submit our dossier prior to IBESR closing and our long wait for IBESR to re-open and accept our file has come to an astonishingly hurtful point. We were notified yesterday that we have lost our referral for our baby, Veronika. The IBESR has informed our orphanage director that we will no longer be matched with her and that our file will be evaluated once they start taking files again. At that time if we are approved they will allow the director to make a recommendation that Veronika be matched with us again. However, they are not making any guarantees. Our whole family is devastated by this turn of events. We never would have imagined that in the shift to Hague compliance that we would potentially lose our little girl. We are all very much bonded with her and she with us. Our children all consider themselves to be siblings. Daril and Djedly are very excited to have a baby sister and spend time with Veronika every day at the orphanage. We have known her since she was a day old and can’t imagine losing her now. She just recently started to call me mom and it breaks my heart to know that our process to bring her home is in danger of ending. Our family is planning to visit Haiti in a few weeks to celebrate Veronika's first birthday on Saturday, March 16. I hope that by the time we arrive I can share different news with you. I'm truly terrified that we will not be matched with our sweet baby.

I don’t want to threaten our process or our chances of advocacy to adopt our daughter, and am wondering if the IBESR would at all consider reviewing a letter from our family explaining our desire to adopt Veronika. Though we never imagined we would adopt three children from Haiti, I would sooner leave a limb from my body behind than leave her behind. Do you think that the IBESR would be at all receptive to hearing directly from us? Or do you think that this would hurt our chances of the match being honored once we are approved? Do you have any suggestions on how we might prepare ourselves in advance of IBESR submission to aid in our match being honored? I would appreciate and respect your insight, as I know you are a fierce and honored advocate for the children of Haiti.

I've attached some photos of our beautiful family. We had no plans to adopt a baby from Haiti. However, I first met Veronika when she was just a day old and knew immediately that I had a primal need to take care of her. I sat in awe of her as I watched and prayed and encouraged her to fight to live. She struggled to hold on to life for months. She was blind and deaf until she was almost three months old. Even then my soul ached for her to be my child for months and after multiple hospitalizations, my husband and I decided that even if we lost her, the mighty littler warrior, our sweet little Veronika needed parents. We could not let her die without a loving family. Veronika was hospitalized and on oxygen and feeding tubes when we started the process to adopt her. The day after we started the process to adopt her, after being told honestly that she might not live, she was miraculously removed from her feeding and oxygen tubes and was released from the hospital a day later. She is our miracle and has been on her road to healing ever since. Our express desire is to enable her to have every resource possible to keep her health sustained and make sure she has every opportunity for a strong and happy future. She is such a joyful and happy child and we have been graciously honored to be given the chance to be her family. I sincerely hope that we can provide the miracles she deserves and continue this process to adopt her. We want nothing more in the world than to unite our family and be given the chance to raise our beautiful and amazing children together. Veronika was a blessed surprise in our lives and we hope that all of this is one day a story we can tell her about the process to bring her home.

I will keep you posted on how we progress. I hope that I can report a very different and happy turn of events to you soon. I hope that things with you and your foundation are going well and wish you continued success as you tirelessly support and advocate for the future of Haiti. My beautiful children are the most blessed gift from Haiti and I look forward to doing my part to help Haiti flourish through them.

Thank you for your time. Have a good day!

Jen

I also contacted a non-profit photojournalism group that works to document the process of adoption. They are called The Archibald Group. I hoped that they would be interested in documenting our first and possibly only bonding trip as a whole family. This is what I sent them, but I never heard back:

I had the privilege to meet two of your photographers on a recent shoot in Haiti for the Stewart family. I love the concept and the mission of your work and am deeply hopeful that you will grant my family the opportunity to share our story with you. Please let me know how I may submit my application to you. I can't seem to find an address, email or fax available on the site. I’ve included a description below of our adoption process and look forward to speaking with someone if you are interested in chronicling our story. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

We started the process to adopt one child from Haiti in January of 2010. When we traveled to Haiti in July 2011 to meet our son Djedly, we had the opportunity to meet Epheta, his mom and his older brother, Daril. We knew that Daril could not be left behind and joyfully started the process to bring both boys home together in September 2011. We are so lucky and blessed to have these beautiful, intelligent and remarkable boys in our lives and have marveled at how our family has grown through this process. 

Just when we thought our family was “complete”, a newborn graced the porch of our orphanage and stole my heart. After months of deafness, blindness and two near fatal hospitalizations, we decided to start the process to adopt Veronika when she was four months old. When we started the process to adopt “V” she was hospitalized with a severe case of pneumonia due to bronchitis caused by complications at birth. She was intubated and on a feeding tube. We were told that she likely wouldn’t live.  We knew that even if we lost her, she needed to have loving parents. The day after we started the process for her she miraculously recovered and was released from the hospital a day afterward.  Though she still suffers from complications, she is thriving and is joyful and happy. She is a charismatic and beautiful soul who has a tender way. Everyone loves “V”. She definitely has a grand purpose here on this earth. She is our miracle and we would like to share with the world why we will never give up and why others should step forth and dedicate themselves to another human, if even for a short period of time.  We pray that we can provide the kind of miracles she deserves, the kind of miracles we need to continue to pursue our dream of bringing all three of our children home, our sweet baby “V” included. We are all completely in love with her and will never be the same without her.

Our hearts have been so full in this process. With every grueling blow, we have known that we are on the right path and we are doing the right thing for our children by continuing to be strong and dedicate ourselves to this process.  However, we have recently been dealt a severe blow.  We have recently been told that due to changes in the process of adoption, our referral for our daughter has been revoked and we may not be granted her match again. Our adoption of our daughter is in danger of ending. We are tirelessly advocating to be re-matched with her and will not give up on her, however we have been told that our family will now be restricted to bonding with her only at the orphanage.

We recently scheduled a bonding trip for our whole family to spend time together for the first time as a complete family to celebrate Veronika’s first birthday in Haiti on March 16 2013. Our children here in the United States, Britt and Leo, are aware that we are now in the process of trying to re-obtain our match of her file. However, our children in Haiti, Daril & Djedly, do not know about this latest development. Essentially, this may be the first and last time that we are all together as a family.

It would be our fondest hope to document this beautiful and tender time together. We would love to show how important it is to have even these small moments where such amazing and profound love can be shared. We would like to serve as an example of unflinching and unwavering love and dedication to this process as we are not prepared to give up on our daughter, Veronika.  It is very much still our primary goal to pursue this process and finish with our family in tact. We have not only fallen in love with our children in Haiti, but we have learned a new deep fondness, affection and love for a culture, a country and its people. Haiti is in us and it will never leave, for we will never leave it. We hope that this is but a small piece of the many parts of the story that will be our tale of adopting from Haiti. We hope that it serves as a wonderful example of finding ourselves and finding love in one of the most beautiful and most abandoned places on earth.

                                                                                    Jen & JJ

I also reached out to President Martelly’s Cabinet Member and friend who is the country’s Sociology Director. We also met on a plane on my way home from Haiti one time. He very nicely reached out to me several times in country but we have not had the opportunity to get together. I thought that perhaps he would have some nuggets of clarity and wisdom on the impending changes in the country, as they are all socially intended. Unfortunately, I did not hear back from him either.

After the colossal emotional blow we received in February, and with J and I knowing that the next bonding trip might be our first and last opportunity to spend time together in Haiti as a family with V. J had never even touched V, let alone held her. And it was vital that we have time together as a whole family. No matter how short that time would be. We knew that we would not be allowed to have V with us and that our days would be spent on the porch at the orphanage, but we so desired to have our family all together at once. The universe delivered nothing shy of a miracle to us and gave us the opportunity to spend V’s first birthday together as a family. I left for Haiti first as when we were scheduled to arrive in Haiti our orphanage was dealing with  a small but relatively contained case of TB. It took a few days to get some logistics worked out, but after the initial scare was calmed J flew to meet me there with Britt and Leo and on V’s first birthday she and her dad got to bond for the first time. My heart was so full seeing our baby in her daddy’s arms. I will never forget the look on her face. She gave him her classic V scowl, sized him up, and then communicated very clearly that she wanted to know what took him so long. After holding him to her very bright little flame, she quickly forgave him and snuggled on his shoulder for the remainder of the afternoon. We took cupcakes and icing and let all the little ones in the toddler room get as jacked up on it all as they wanted. They had icing on their foreheads and elbows and smiled from ear to ear. And V paraded around getting passed from nanny to nanny wearing her birthday hat specially designed and constructed by Britt and I for V, our diva.  We had hoped for one good grumpy photo of her tossing her hat off, but were shocked and very happy to see her so content in her party hat that she wore it until she started sweating.  We do believe she was the reason the fascinator was invented in the first place. While we were in Haiti we struggled with delays in all of the adoptions. We had hoped that our file would be accepted by IBESR in March but found out that it wouldn’t be submitted until April. And then we found out that our files for the boys, which had been held for several months prior to progressing to the next step, were some of the only files that were not submitted to the Ministry of Interior as there were significant errors that needed to be fixed first.  After receiving adoption decrees for the boys in January that were stamped and official in late December, it was horrible to hear that by mid March we were still not ready to enter MOI along with a whole bunch of files that were previously months behind us in the process. THIS PROCESS IS NOT LINEAR is one of my least favorite terms. Just after returning from our trip we found out that our file FINALLY entered MOI! Success!!! We hoped that the boys would be home in June and actually dared to start making plans that included them in our summer. That was a first. And it felt so good to know that the light at the end of the tunnel might start getting brighter.

April fools day has a whole new meaning to us now. We finally entered IBESR for V on April 1, 2013. We were the monthly quota family and we were ecstatic to finally have progress with all three of the adoptions after a nearly six month delay for V, we hoped that entering under a quota of one family per month would mean that IBESR would actually work efficiently and that we could have V out of IBESR sometime over the summer and maybe just maybe have her home by her second birthday. Why on earth do I do this to myself? What didn’t happen at that point in time is that V’s file was not and has still not been requested by IBESR. Inconsistent with other families who had previously been matched and not submitted to IBESR in time for the closure who’s parent and child files were submitted to IBESR together, our file was submitted without our daughter’s file and we continue to wait even now for her file to be requested and matched with our dossier and our match be honored. Lesson #4,763 in Haiti adoption is that I should never think that something actually will start working out. I should continue to think that we will be applying for colleges with our children when they come home, and anything short of that will be an epic miracle that will leave me in giddy celebration. But let’s not get too sally cup half empty just yet.  There’s so much more to be disappointed about. Why throw the baby 2013 out with the bathwater when we’ve got the rest of the year to fill up the cup of disappointment?!