a book for v

i took advantage of a free 20x20 book coupon from shutterfly.com and made v a sweet little book. i'm looking forward to taking it to her on my next trip to haiti.

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AasWTJo1atGLmo&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET

the balance of life in haiti

please please please please please read this blog. my awe-inspiringly amazing friend mallery somehow finds the sliver of time to carve out of her day to post about what happens in haiti and at hope house where v lives and thrives. for every horror story i can tell you about haiti, i can share a miracle. for every up there is a down. i've never experienced the balance of life the way i have in haiti. her words could have dripped from my own mouth. please read this and know that there are people with beautiful hearts who are doing relentlessly exhausting but completely necessary work day in and day out to offer haiti's people a chance to improve their lives.  the haiti foundation against poverty is an honorable and sustainable and fully trustworthy source for you to help haiti if you're so inclined. they are good people who always do the right thing. always. we are so thankful for them. so many are thankful for them. they help in ways that most of us can't comprehend. daily. fully. please let this serve as an example that haiti deserves their love and our love and everything we do for haiti is worth it.

the top post is from a day i was there. it was v's 2nd birthday among everything else that took place. no child deserves the injustice of losing his/her family, home, and culture. adoption is not a cure, but rather a band-aid. it wouldn't be my first choice for any of my children to have experienced the losses they have so that i could proudly raise and love them. and in my work to repair my children, i'm very happy to know that people like frentz and mallery neptune are doing everything in their power to give hope and love and make sure that all of the children at hope house are part of a family. hope house is a home. we are very proud to call the neptune's our friends, and i would love for you all to get to know them through the work they do.

i will gladly take any donations you'd like to send my way, including dark chocolate pretzels. ;-)

http://www.haitifoundationagainstpoverty.blogspot.com

getting HOPE back

Calm. Secure. Trusting. Comforted. Eased. Happy.  These are all words that come to mind now. These are the very last words I would have used to describe my feelings over the past year.

Lying with my forehead on the floor of my living room with hot tears dripping from my eyes straight to the floor, gasping for breath and trying to search my thoughts for how I would explain my behavior was the last thing in the world that I thought would be a scene from the first day our boys spent at home. There was no keeping the emotions at bay upon hearing that V, scared and confused, was heading back to Maison from Hope House after a night of comfort and freedom and love.

As the boys and I were leaving Haiti on Feb. 13, 2013 V was headed to Hope House. She had her doll. And the welcoming arms of dear friends awaited her. She sat down at a little table in her own little chair and ate her lunch. She held onto her doll and looked at photos of our family.  I was finally taking the boys home after 4 years in process and 7 months of living in country. And V was safe. She was loved. She was happy. It was one of the best days of my life.

Among the happiness of her transfer and the delirious joy of bringing the boys home, I didn’t think that there was any room in my heart for fear or despair. Until it became obvious that there were issues with her family and her relinquishment. Her aunt refused to come and formally relinquish her. And we were told that she would need to return to Maison. My head spun hearing this. The breath sucked out of me like a backdraft. And the plume of fury and sadness and rage and disbelief sat like a festering bubble until I couldn’t keep it inside anymore and when it surfaced, I found myself crying the ugliest of ugly cries; once again terrified that I was losing my daughter. One year to the day that we lost her referral, we were potentially losing her completely.  She was sent back to the place we had finally rescued her from. She was free. She was free! And now she would be back in a cage. My heart shattered knowing that she was simply slipping through our fingers. And despite everything that the amazing advocates of Hope House wanted to try to do, they will always stand on the right side of the law – and it would have been illegal for them to keep her without a legal relinquishment. Their hearts broke with mine when she was returned. I felt sisterly love as I was told in person on the phone how devastated they were to see her leave. I can’t think of a more touching way for someone to give me the horrific news that my daughter was returning to the conditions we had just delivered her from.

A decision was made to call “a bluff”, and demand that her family either comply with the process of her adoption or come and pick her up and raise her. After all she was relinquished with the intent of adoption. And at just under two years in process for her adoption, though I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing her; I could less handle the idea of her sitting in an institution for the rest of her life when she could be living with loving family. Upon hearing that she would need to be picked up and taken home or relinquished to Hope House, her aunt abruptly changed her tune and picked V up and relinquished her to Hope House the following day. February 15, 2013 will be another day in a series of celebratory happy days in our lives. February 13 is our homecoming anniversary for the boys. February 14 is my favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day.  It is also our anniversary. One day it will be a true V day. February 15 is now the day miracles happen. And February 16 is my birthday. I honestly know that a miracle – no – several miracles took place. Without miracles, I would still be in Haiti with my boys. And without miracles, V would be in a cage.

Instead, she is laughing, and playing, and growing, and loving and being loved. She is happy. She is healthy. She is safe. She is loved.  And instead of crying and finding myself on the floor in tears, I found myself leaping for joy, crying happy tears that we experienced this phenomenal change of heart and beautiful opportunity to commence with the process to bring our sweet v home.

I am calm. I am secure. I am trusting. I am comforted. I am eased. And I am happy.

Thank you to everyone at Hope House. This is how it should be

Coming to AMERICA!

Djedly & Parker are finally coming home!

17 trips to Haiti, 7 months of living in country with the boys, and 4 years to the day that we started the process, the boys will wake up at home on Valentine's Day 2014.

We're coming to America TODAY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFl7AL6Hzo8&feature=youtu.be

17 times

16 times our hearts ripped wide open.

With I love you’s and I’ll see you soon’s all spoken.

But never again will we be so broken.

For 16 was enough.

And now all we have is love.

16 times I left you both so broken.

Promises I’d return to you were spoken.

You didn’t close yourselves off.

You’re open.

Receiving all my love.

16 times our fears were strengthened.

Every time I left the ground was shaken.

The winds that carried me home were whipping.

Scars on my heart kept the deep hurt aching.

I wanted you in my arms.

But 16 times our hopes were dampened.

16 times our bonds were not broken.

16 times left us waiting for one day.

But we did not know when.

How many days we longed for it?

How many nights did we hope for it?

How many tears did we shed for it?

For the day we would be done.

But 17 times we have laughed together.

17 times we have grown by measure.

And 17 times we’ve prepared for forever.

For all the good and the bad.

All of the sorrows, sadness and heartbreak,

How much more will our tattered souls ache?

My tortured mind just simply now cannot take,

Another bomb or loss.

But after waiting so long,

Our bonds they remain so strong.

And all of this waiting is now done.

For our day has finally come.

Now come, let’s enter our life.

You can step from pain and from strife.

You can keep your past safe in your pocket.

You can keep it with you in a locket.

You can leave it behind if you wish.

Your life is your very own gift.

You can have now all that you need.

Lets take this step and you’ll see.

There is so much that you will now be.

The choice is your own.

Let’s leave and we’ll blow it a kiss.

There is so much that you will miss.

But I love you,

I promise you this.

And together we will be.

Bravely now come take my hand.

I’ll take you to a new land.

We have journeys ahead to wander.

There are times that we will ponder.

But together we will conquer,

All that life has for us.

16 times we’ve hoped we’d make it.

16 times we’ve had to take it.

And 16 times we’ve wiped our tears.

But thank you 17, you wipe all our fears.

Down to the day it has been four years.

But we are now done.

For you are mine and I am yours.

Today we will see a brand new shore.

And our faith will now fully restore.

For our day has finally come.

And your new life we have won.

Seeking Approval - AGAIN

Never in my life have I been so desperate to seek approval.

We have been sitting pretty in IBESR for exactly ten months as of today. By comparison, the boys had entered, gained approval, sat for presidential dispensation, received dispensation, received the director’s signature, and exited IBESR in eight months. So to say that I’m antsy and ready for some news on V would be a colossal understatement.

I’m itching for movement on her and have been for over a year. We started the process to adopt her in July of 2012 and yet here we are so very far long after that trying to find the patience to continue to wage through this process to be granted the opportunity to adopt her.

While I’m basking in the blissful success of finding out yesterday that our boys have received USCIS approval for their visas, I’m feeling the added stress of knowing that I’ll be leaving Haiti soon – and possibly with no more information on V’s adoption than when I arrived here in July of 2013. Yes, that’s right – a full year after starting the process to adopt her. At least until November 2013 I was allowed to see her, but that ceased when the new adoption law here in Haiti was printed in the legal magazine/paper, Le Moniteur just prior to Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen her since that day. While the passing of this new law should have been a good thing, it has marked a time frame that reflects a gaping wide loop-hole in the implementation of expected positive change that families like ours are drowning in.

My recent facebook post is a small indication that after four years of adopting from Haiti, I’m really losing my cool:

“i get lots of messages about v. and i have not had much that i can share. the past 8 weeks have been horrible. i miss her dearly. for that matter all of 2013 completely sucked and i've cried more this year than any year of my life. and being 18 months out from starting her adoption and being nowhere closer to bringing her home hurts very deeply.

i've come to find out that members of for his glory (fhg), the group that sponsors our orphanage, maison des enfants de dieu, recently traveled to our orphanage. accompanying an adoptive mom who is the president of the board of fhg, was another adoptive mom. though i fully support visits to our orphanage as i feel that all parents should be able to see their children as often as possible; it hurts to know that a family who is in ibesr (like we are), who is under the new law (like we are), who is not currently referred their child (like we are), was allowed at the orphanage to see their child (we are not). we were told 8 weeks ago by the director, pierre alexis, that under the new adoption law passed here in haiti, that it is ILLEGAL for me to be at the orphanage. it is ILLEGAL for me to see my daughter. until the office of ibesr re-matches our files, we are not allowed to see v.

so why is this family allowed to see their daughter? because of friendship and privilege. friendship that i no longer have with those who sponsor the orphanage because i spoke the truth about what has happened to us. and privilege that i don't have because i'm not a radio personality. i'm not a deep pocket donor. i'm just a MOM.

so my update on v is that i have no idea when i will see her again. and apparently there is no real reason why. we can't get any word on her process. all i know is that she is still sleeping in the baby room, which means that she is still kept in a cage-like crib with a side that is tied closed when she is not being supervised. she is not learning how to play or talk with children her age as she should be. and she is NO CLOSER TO COMING HOME.

i am two miles away from where she is tonight, and the only thing i can do with the information that i've come to find out that is killing me from the inside out is to share the truth. i have contacted my agency. i have requested that they reply with a date for when i can see my daughter. this is unacceptable.

i can not and will not hide what is happening to our family. we have been continually lied to, ignored, used, and mistreated in this process. my boys have been in this country far longer than they should be. i never should have had to move to haiti to process my own adoptions. and my daughter should be coming home not sitting tied into a cage. i want my daughter.

pierre alexis should be ashamed of himself. screen shot this. re-read it. shake your head. say what you will if you want to talk about me behind my back. i will blog about it too. call the for his glory lawyer. i'll refer him to our lawyer. they already know each other.  tell who ever you would like. this is not right. anyone who thinks that it is should be ashamed of themselves. anyone who thinks that my speaking out is damaging, is living in the same fear that kept me quiet for so long. no more. i will no longer allow fear to guide my actions. my daughter deserves better than this.

i shouldn't have to blow kisses at a gate while others are allowed passage through to see and love their children.

veronika, i love you more than words can say, and i will fight for you with every nano-ounce of my being. i won't give up on us.”

The last real update we received on V was that her file was re-submitted to IBER on November 29^th. Apparently her file, when submitted on October 21^st, was rejected, thus, the need for a re-format.  Additionally, though we have been told by several people who are aware of the new process IBESR is following under the new law that we should be receiving a file number for our daughter’s submitted file, we have been repeatedly told by our orphanage director, Pierre, that he did not receive a file number. After ten months of our parent file sitting in IBESR awaiting approval, we also have no word from our orphanage or either of the lawyers appointed to our case by our agency or our orphanage. It has been a long ten months.

To put our case into perspective, children who were processed efficiently by our orphanage, as our daughter should have been, now have passports and are very close to coming home to their families and we are still awaiting approval for the permission and the re-match of her file to ours so that we can begin the process to adopt her. And another week has rolled into another month has rolled into another calendar year since we fell in love with her and we still know nothing. And she continues to sit in her cage.

I came across an example online of a family who posted that they were matched with their child in September 2012, exited IBESR in June 2013 and brought their child home – HOME January 21, 2014. This is how it should have been for all of the children caught in the gaping loop-hole. They shouldn’t be sitting in cages waiting for someone to make a decision. They shouldn’t have to spend their lives while someone uses them as a paycheck.

I am asked periodically what I think of the two agencies and the orphanage that we work with, and I am always very honest.

“i will give props to CCAI if anyone is looking to use them. our adoption counselor with ccai is my sanity. we use two agencies and are adopting three children from the same orphanage. we started the process four years ago with children of all nations. our boys are with can. i have been living in haiti for the past six months and have had no help finishing the process to adopt my two boys who i've had in my custody since i got here. i have had to correct documents and have learned that i had falsified documents. my boys are the longest current outstanding referral at our orphanage. and due to a lack of proper facilitation, my daughter's adoption (through ccai) has been stalled for the past 18 months. as of right now, i'm not even allowed to see my daughter because i'm a pre-matched family being processed under the new law. i feel that there is a huge problem with transparency, honesty, and a total lack of professionalism at our orphanage. the kids need better resources, and the parents are not utilized as resources, but merely as mules to bring donations. the standard time frame at our orphanage is also absurdly long. and i am one of many very unhappy parents. there are several happy parents, some of whom are in this forum who are on the board of a group that supports our orphanage. so they have a happier story than i do. but they never would have been given falsified docs.”

Apparently my being vocal has struck some nerves and I’ve been warned several times that I may not be safe living in Haiti. I will not be silenced. My daughter sits in a cage. If I could place a cone of shame on the necks of the lawyers and the orphanage director, I would. Enough is enough.

While half of me is parading and dancing in the delight that my boys can FINALLY COME HOME, the other half of me is still in a festering pit of despair that I have no more information on how or even if I will be able to take my daughter home.  But the gloves are off and bombs are away, and I’m going to do everything I can with sails full of hurricane force winds and tides raging and pushing my little ship toward the adoption success shore. I will fight this good fight. She deserves us and we deserve her and I will not stop until she is running around my kitchen with footed pajamas and afro puffs; with that beautiful smile and those huge eyes looking at me contented – and HOME.

The boys and I will leave Haiti on February 13, 2014. It will be seven months and one day since I arrived in Haiti to bring them home. It will be the 17^th flight home to Pittsburgh since starting this process. And it will be the final one without them. We have been in this process for four years.  Officially as of Valentine’s Day 2014 when we will mark the day we submitted our home study to USCIS for permission to adopt from Haiti a mere month after the earthquake of 2010 and they will be home with us. But we will be far from done.

The fat lady will sing while V rings her little bell all the way home – one day.

Happy Dance!!!

Happy DANCE!!!

The boys received visa approval on Friday, January 31^st!!!! I woke up at exactly 7:26 am and laid in bed trying to plan the conversation I would have when I called the embassy. I was terrified. We hadn’t received a rejection notice of any sort, but there was still room for error. And when I got up a few minutes later, filled with a bit more nerve, and driven by conviction, I heard the familiar “ding!” that I’ve been addicted to for the past four years. DING! Hmmm…..I thought perhaps I should check my email (really I was just using this as an acceptable stall tactic to delay the phone call a few more minutes and let my nauseated stomach settle a little more), and yet when I opened my email there it was.

USCIS APPROVAL

The words I scrolled through became increasingly blurry and the tears that flooded down my cheeks hit my chest and my hand and the phone. We received approval! The boys were coming home!!!

I felt my knees start to give. And yet I didn’t want to sit on the stairs. I’ve spent too much time crying on those stairs. I’ve also had a cockroach run up my skirt while sitting on those stairs. And yet I couldn’t go downstairs and sit because I would lose the wifi signal. So I leaned on the dirty plaster covered concrete wall and tried to gain some semblance of composure. And then I called J. I kept trying to say that we were approved, but I was crying so hard I could barely get the words out of my mouth, “APPROVED!” I tried to yell but not so loudly that I would wake the boys up. I knew they would be happy, but I also wanted them to have their rest. We were all up pretty late the night prior unpacking and discovering the few new gems I brought back with them from my week at home in the states for my remicade infusion. “APPROVED?!!!!!” He said, “Just send me an email! I can’t understand you!” And so I sent it. And then I cried some more. We are going home. The boys are FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY GOING HOME!!!!

I noticed the time stamp on the email when I sent it to J. It read 7:26. ;-)

I spent the day filling out documentation and fielding emails from the embassy. We initially received a visa date of Feb. 18^th, but they very generously received my request and honored an earlier appointment. The boys are now scheduled for a visa appointment for Friday, February 7^th! We are in “go time” speed now. Everything is like a time warp. I have scheduled for rides for doctor’s appointments, and I have been feverishly planning, packing, and purging. It is time to go home!!!

This next week will be a furious bur of activity; but we are so very ready to go home! I cannot wait for the day we leave. We are expected to come home on February 13^th. We will likely be arriving at 11 pm in Pittsburgh. I have landed in Pittsburgh 16 times without the boys; and now I will finally leave on a plane with them and watch as they experience a whole new world and a whole new beginning to their whole new lives. So many times I’ve left Haiti and thought about how the outside world will hit them. How they will take it all in. How they will feel. What they will smell. What they will hear. What they will see. And it is finally going to happen.

WE ARE GOING HOME!!!!