Calm. Secure. Trusting. Comforted. Eased. Happy. These are all words that come to mind now. These are the very last words I would have used to describe my feelings over the past year.
Lying with my forehead on the floor of my living room with hot tears dripping from my eyes straight to the floor, gasping for breath and trying to search my thoughts for how I would explain my behavior was the last thing in the world that I thought would be a scene from the first day our boys spent at home. There was no keeping the emotions at bay upon hearing that V, scared and confused, was heading back to Maison from Hope House after a night of comfort and freedom and love.
As the boys and I were leaving Haiti on Feb. 13, 2013 V was headed to Hope House. She had her doll. And the welcoming arms of dear friends awaited her. She sat down at a little table in her own little chair and ate her lunch. She held onto her doll and looked at photos of our family. I was finally taking the boys home after 4 years in process and 7 months of living in country. And V was safe. She was loved. She was happy. It was one of the best days of my life.
Among the happiness of her transfer and the delirious joy of bringing the boys home, I didn’t think that there was any room in my heart for fear or despair. Until it became obvious that there were issues with her family and her relinquishment. Her aunt refused to come and formally relinquish her. And we were told that she would need to return to Maison. My head spun hearing this. The breath sucked out of me like a backdraft. And the plume of fury and sadness and rage and disbelief sat like a festering bubble until I couldn’t keep it inside anymore and when it surfaced, I found myself crying the ugliest of ugly cries; once again terrified that I was losing my daughter. One year to the day that we lost her referral, we were potentially losing her completely. She was sent back to the place we had finally rescued her from. She was free. She was free! And now she would be back in a cage. My heart shattered knowing that she was simply slipping through our fingers. And despite everything that the amazing advocates of Hope House wanted to try to do, they will always stand on the right side of the law – and it would have been illegal for them to keep her without a legal relinquishment. Their hearts broke with mine when she was returned. I felt sisterly love as I was told in person on the phone how devastated they were to see her leave. I can’t think of a more touching way for someone to give me the horrific news that my daughter was returning to the conditions we had just delivered her from.
A decision was made to call “a bluff”, and demand that her family either comply with the process of her adoption or come and pick her up and raise her. After all she was relinquished with the intent of adoption. And at just under two years in process for her adoption, though I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing her; I could less handle the idea of her sitting in an institution for the rest of her life when she could be living with loving family. Upon hearing that she would need to be picked up and taken home or relinquished to Hope House, her aunt abruptly changed her tune and picked V up and relinquished her to Hope House the following day. February 15, 2013 will be another day in a series of celebratory happy days in our lives. February 13 is our homecoming anniversary for the boys. February 14 is my favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day. It is also our anniversary. One day it will be a true V day. February 15 is now the day miracles happen. And February 16 is my birthday. I honestly know that a miracle – no – several miracles took place. Without miracles, I would still be in Haiti with my boys. And without miracles, V would be in a cage.
Instead, she is laughing, and playing, and growing, and loving and being loved. She is happy. She is healthy. She is safe. She is loved. And instead of crying and finding myself on the floor in tears, I found myself leaping for joy, crying happy tears that we experienced this phenomenal change of heart and beautiful opportunity to commence with the process to bring our sweet v home.
I am calm. I am secure. I am trusting. I am comforted. I am eased. And I am happy.
Thank you to everyone at Hope House. This is how it should be
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