missionaries and cute kids

it has been said so well many different ways, but today i'm writing it my way so that those who may not have considered their time spent loving on orphans to be as detrimental as it can be.

as a family, we have gone through and are still going through the unbelievably difficult...gruelingly long, and down right tortuous process of adoption from Haiti for over five years now. in that period of time we have learned a thing or two about our kids. about this process. and about how others can impact our children while they wait to come home to their families.

we have trolled and scoured the internet for a mere glimpse of our children's faces as they've grown in our absence. we've become friends with anyone we know who visits our children. and while we are thankful for the time those who travel to haiti devote and give in service to our children and the foundations who provide their needs, we need you to know a few things:

bonding is for families.

bonding is a cycle of growth and development that we take very seriously. it is a process. it is a long and at times frustrating process. when you meet and fall in love with a child who has lived through more difficulties than most can imagine, what you find is that behind that sweet smile and spunky disposition is a child who has felt deeper pain than they can describe. they may have been left, lost, abused, abandoned, given up on, or given away because they came from a place and a group of people who they look like, talk like, and maybe even act like - because they can't be cared for as they deserve and need. they will cling to anyone who is willing to give them what they want and need. when you visit a child and love them for a week and then leave them, it adds too their trauma. it helps build their walls. and it makes our jobs as their family members harder. bonding is for families. please don't try to bond with children you think are adorable and will be happy to love for one week. please consider that loving them for a week and leaving them is perpetuating a secondary trauma. it is not what they need. it is not helpful for their development. it is not helpful for the bonding cycle for the family. in fact it hurts it.

they do have families.

we have seen and heard many comments over the years about our children. "i want to take him home with me!" or "he's precious, i can just put him in my bag." even "why did that child have to go home before i could visit again?" that last one kills me e.v.e.r.y. single time. we are their families. and we also want to take them home. and we know exactly how they will fit into our lives, not our bags. and we will not waste a second when the time comes for them to come home. and we will not consider your schedule and your visits. because one of the most momentous times in all of our lives will be upon us. and we will be together as a family; not divided by an ocean. that is our time. not yours.

memory building is our right.

my son was not allowed to go to the beach with me in haiti. however, he was allowed to be taken to the beach by a group of random strangers. once. and those random strangers who spent an afternoon in our sons life have made an impact. but not one that is fulfilling and lasting. he doesn't even remember their names. the impact it made is that our son was given the opportunity to share his first experience at the beach with complete strangers. and they lavishly bought him every single thing his heart desired that day. and now when our family goes to the beach a simple picnic isn't good enough. because it doesn't compare to the experience he had with a large group of missionaries who treated him like a golden child on a pillar. we're just his family. we're not nearly capable of providing that kind of experience because we make our sandwiches at home. and the soda tasted better in a glass. and he got to sit in the front seat to drive there. whatever he has determined to be the reasons our trips to the beach aren't good enough, the point is that our family deserved to make that memory. not strangers.

we appreciate you. please appreciate us.

we do. we appreciate your heart. what you're willing to give. that you have devoted time to our children and the foundations who provide for them. when you're working, please know that we also devote time to our children - even when we aren't with them. we work diligently for years in the struggle and fight to bring our children home. we pray for them every single day. multiple times a day. we live with the ghost of our child's presence in our homes. there is not a single activity that takes place in our lives that we don't miss the presence of our child, that we don't painfully hold back the tears and try to remember that there will be many opportunities for more experience with our children - but sometimes the missed moments are the hardest. we are missing precious time in our children's lives. so while we appreciate you, we also want you to appreciate us. we want you to know that even when we're not here, we are loving our children with our whole hearts. we are hurting for their homecoming. and we hurt when we see our children in your arms and not ours. if you love our children, please appreciate us as much as we appreciate what you try to do to support our children.

please visit. and work. and love. but do so properly.

your prayers, your energy, your passion, your sweat, and your dedication is so valuable to us. we dearly appreciate that you have chosen to give yourself to us and our children. so please visit. please go to work hard to support the staff who take care of our children. please continue to send your love to our families and for our children. please just know that doing this properly can make a world of difference for our whole family.

thank you,

fiercely loving mom of a couple ridiculously cute kids.

sweet v turned 3...

3.16. she turned 3.

3.19. i cuddled her and thought of the moment i first laid eyes on her.

23 trips to haiti.

3 long years.

she is growing with our long distance love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfWBnLHfOx0&feature=youtu.be

a reminder of my last night living in haiti...

Thoughts from the evening of Feb. 12, 2014:

At this very moment one year ago I was hugging and kissing our entire Haitian family after they came to visit the boys and celebrate our grand exodus from Haiti.

Our families and friends anxiously awaited our homecoming after four years of adopting from Haiti and seven months of living in country. Thank you to all of you who cheered us on, prayed for us, screamed with us, cried with us, laughed with us, and celebrated with us!

Samantha Bertier, Natalie Claire Holly, Holly Harmon, Joanne Kimball, Diony Monestime, Patrick Bentrott, Ashley Gibson, Mallery Neptune,and Jean Hilaire Filder thank you all for being a magnificent part of the final stages of our journey.

There are so many names I would like to include on this list. Those who weren't there with us in person were with us in spirit. Kelly Lefeber Blanchard, you walked every day of four months of hell with me like a sister and I'm so proud to call you family. There are countless mothers and fathers who have, did, and are walking the land mine that is the path of adoption with us and I want you all to know that you own a special piece of my heart.

I'll never forget our last night among many spent in Haiti. Surrounded by family with eyes full of happy tears. Surrounded by friends who knew how badly I wanted to go home but how hurt I was to close part of this chapter of my life.

Harry Hames thank you for your love and compassion, your loving fatherly spirit and your shared respect and admiration for the people of Haiti. I miss you so much. I'm not sure if I can aptly share with you how special our visits were to me. You are a gem.

Natalie I want to kick trees on swings with you again. Joanne, you saved me by delivering our visas. Diony, you are the most important puzzle piece that without our boys wouldn't be home. Ashley your love for Haiti, her children, and my sweet V helped me get on that plane. Holly, your love and support carried us through so much even long after we came home. Patrick, thank you for coming to our rescue with documents and your amazing sense of humor when I wanted to go postal at Ibesr. I still owe you a prestige for that one. Thank you for being the absolute right person to be there for our final moments and for being our "stand-in" for the happy family photo! Thank you for all you've done for V. I'm happy to call you family as well! Filder my amazing friend, I can't tell you what your friendship means to me. You are an amazing person. Your heart is so gentle and you care for people so well. I admire you and am so happy to call you my friend. Thank you always for our many adventures, even in your pony - which clearly hates me!! Samantha you and your family were a beautiful warm hug for Kelly and I and I cherish you and them. And Mallery, our adventure has only just begun but I thank every star above for you every day. The mold was truly broken with your creation. You are my resuscitation, you are my sanity. You are an amazingly beautiful person, and I'm so honored to have you as a friend. Thank you for everything you do every day, your sacrifices, your love, your dedication and devotion, and your loving and kind heart. The gift of loving V that you give me daily is a debt I will never fully be able to repay.

I miss Haiti so much. I miss momma Epheta, Darline, Darla, the worlds cutest grandpa and grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We never realized how many people we would bring into our lives and our hearts with the special gifts that are our three children.

Stepping down the escalator to the faces of Melissa Bolt Dunkleberger,Teresa Huber, Karyn Puller, and Kate Romero as well as J, Britt, and Leo was exactly the rescue my heart needed to know that no matter where we go people who love us are there. Thank all of you beautiful women for the special people you are.

I hope you all know that we love you and you are in our hearts every single day.

a small dose of healing

the grasshopper, normally extraordinarily agile, took a good tumble today after getting hit in the head with a ball.

he's ok. but it has made me do a lot of reflection on the times he took swipes, dings, bangs, slams, spills, and outright splats on rocks and cement in haiti. there were so many days i couldn't nurse the wounds. so many tears i couldn't wipe away. so many snuggles that didn't happen. so many boo boo's not kissed. like when he split his face open on the shower wall at the orphanage. that one is an ever-present reminder when i look at the scar on the bridge of his nose.

today as he got off the bus with the ice pack on his face and his glasses tucked into his bag for safekeeping because they were sliding off of his swollen face, he stepped into mine and britt's outreaching arms. his bus driver gave her dose of hope that he would heal and rest comfortably over the weekend. leo was behind him holding his bag and his nurse's note. he was enveloped in the love of the family we are. he has us and we have him. and i'm so thankful that we can provide the love and comfort for him that so many children need.

please let your heart love a child from afar today. tonight. right now. please send a little love to a lonely little heart who has a skinned knee. a busted lip. a scraped eye...they need it. they may not feel your touch. but they will feel your heart somehow. there are so many children who need the rescue of a family. they need love.

please also send your love to the families who wait for their children to come home. they long to have their children in their arms. they want to kiss their boo boo's. they are fighting so hard to bring them home. they need your love too because they fear what they don't know is happening to their children. their hearts ache over the time lost to this process. they hurt knowing that they can't nurse their sick children. they can't pick them up when they've fallen. they can't clean up the scraped knee. they can't soothe their pain. they need your love.

this. today. soothing his pain. being there for him. wrapping our arms around him. letting him know it'll all be ok. these are the moments that make everything we did and do worth all of it. all of it. he's here. he has a belly full of pizza, his glasses have been bent back into shape. his fabulous lips are just a little fuller right now. he's surfing the couch like a champ. and he will be ok. and because he will be ok, so will i.

hallelujah!!

v sings her praises for hope house! she is one happy kid!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCpa-Ip6fvA&feature=youtu.be

the day came

In keeping with the theme of posting ancient topics in my life several months past due, this is what was intended to be posted on February 14, 2014:

It happens!

I married the human calculator. and I've never been completely awesome at math. But I'm fairly certain (enough that I'll commit a number to a google search and publish my tally) that after 1,460 days, one day shy of four years, including one leap year day = 1,460 days exactly since we officially filed for permission to adopt from Haiti…and the boys are finally HOME! Happy Valentine’s Day 2014 – the year of the horse (and I’m a HORSE)!

Happy 10^th Anniversary to the love of my life. Thank you for living our dream with me. I love you.

10 months

March 12, 2014 

10 months ago today my boys left their orphanage with me. no more dirty mattresses. no more cramped, dank, and musky orphanage room. no more open air filled with mosquitos. no more bucket baths. no more rice and beans for their two daily meals. no more orphanage.  today marks 10 months of that much more love, the fulfillment of all of my promises to them, and 10 months of daily healing. tomorrow will be 3 months since they came home. we are 10 months closer to their futures. we are 3 months into our amazing lives of 4/5. please send your love to the children who continue to sleep on those dirty mattresses in those cramped, dank, and musky rooms with no mosquito nets. they deserve the love of a family. they deserve all of the wonderful things living has to offer. they deserve better. please celebrate that our boys are home. but please never forget all those who remain there.

cheers, ten  months. 

with love,

the club of bittersweet members.