it has been said so well many different ways, but today i'm writing it my way so that those who may not have considered their time spent loving on orphans to be as detrimental as it can be.
as a family, we have gone through and are still going through the unbelievably difficult...gruelingly long, and down right tortuous process of adoption from Haiti for over five years now. in that period of time we have learned a thing or two about our kids. about this process. and about how others can impact our children while they wait to come home to their families.
we have trolled and scoured the internet for a mere glimpse of our children's faces as they've grown in our absence. we've become friends with anyone we know who visits our children. and while we are thankful for the time those who travel to haiti devote and give in service to our children and the foundations who provide their needs, we need you to know a few things:
bonding is for families.
bonding is a cycle of growth and development that we take very seriously. it is a process. it is a long and at times frustrating process. when you meet and fall in love with a child who has lived through more difficulties than most can imagine, what you find is that behind that sweet smile and spunky disposition is a child who has felt deeper pain than they can describe. they may have been left, lost, abused, abandoned, given up on, or given away because they came from a place and a group of people who they look like, talk like, and maybe even act like - because they can't be cared for as they deserve and need. they will cling to anyone who is willing to give them what they want and need. when you visit a child and love them for a week and then leave them, it adds too their trauma. it helps build their walls. and it makes our jobs as their family members harder. bonding is for families. please don't try to bond with children you think are adorable and will be happy to love for one week. please consider that loving them for a week and leaving them is perpetuating a secondary trauma. it is not what they need. it is not helpful for their development. it is not helpful for the bonding cycle for the family. in fact it hurts it.
they do have families.
we have seen and heard many comments over the years about our children. "i want to take him home with me!" or "he's precious, i can just put him in my bag." even "why did that child have to go home before i could visit again?" that last one kills me e.v.e.r.y. single time. we are their families. and we also want to take them home. and we know exactly how they will fit into our lives, not our bags. and we will not waste a second when the time comes for them to come home. and we will not consider your schedule and your visits. because one of the most momentous times in all of our lives will be upon us. and we will be together as a family; not divided by an ocean. that is our time. not yours.
memory building is our right.
my son was not allowed to go to the beach with me in haiti. however, he was allowed to be taken to the beach by a group of random strangers. once. and those random strangers who spent an afternoon in our sons life have made an impact. but not one that is fulfilling and lasting. he doesn't even remember their names. the impact it made is that our son was given the opportunity to share his first experience at the beach with complete strangers. and they lavishly bought him every single thing his heart desired that day. and now when our family goes to the beach a simple picnic isn't good enough. because it doesn't compare to the experience he had with a large group of missionaries who treated him like a golden child on a pillar. we're just his family. we're not nearly capable of providing that kind of experience because we make our sandwiches at home. and the soda tasted better in a glass. and he got to sit in the front seat to drive there. whatever he has determined to be the reasons our trips to the beach aren't good enough, the point is that our family deserved to make that memory. not strangers.
we appreciate you. please appreciate us.
we do. we appreciate your heart. what you're willing to give. that you have devoted time to our children and the foundations who provide for them. when you're working, please know that we also devote time to our children - even when we aren't with them. we work diligently for years in the struggle and fight to bring our children home. we pray for them every single day. multiple times a day. we live with the ghost of our child's presence in our homes. there is not a single activity that takes place in our lives that we don't miss the presence of our child, that we don't painfully hold back the tears and try to remember that there will be many opportunities for more experience with our children - but sometimes the missed moments are the hardest. we are missing precious time in our children's lives. so while we appreciate you, we also want you to appreciate us. we want you to know that even when we're not here, we are loving our children with our whole hearts. we are hurting for their homecoming. and we hurt when we see our children in your arms and not ours. if you love our children, please appreciate us as much as we appreciate what you try to do to support our children.
please visit. and work. and love. but do so properly.
your prayers, your energy, your passion, your sweat, and your dedication is so valuable to us. we dearly appreciate that you have chosen to give yourself to us and our children. so please visit. please go to work hard to support the staff who take care of our children. please continue to send your love to our families and for our children. please just know that doing this properly can make a world of difference for our whole family.
thank you,
fiercely loving mom of a couple ridiculously cute kids.
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